


Our House In The Middle Of The Street

by Phantomlimb



Series: Merry Christmas, Here's Your Gift [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Bucky deals with so much, Bucky is so done, Civil War, Comedy, F/M, Humor, IKEA, IKEA Furniture, M/M, Natasha Is a Good Bro, Steve Has Issues, Steve is a little shit, Tony and Steve want to set each other on fire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-11
Updated: 2015-12-11
Packaged: 2018-05-06 04:02:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5402327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phantomlimb/pseuds/Phantomlimb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The press is calling it a Civil war, and Steve is just saying they need new curtains and shit; there are so many other ways Bucky could be spending his Saturday.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Our House In The Middle Of The Street

**Author's Note:**

> Marium,
> 
> This was so fun to write and I hope you enjoy it.

 

“Steve.”

There was no response and unfortunately, Bucky was not surprised. Steven Grant Rogers had finally shifted into his final mode which was coined as stubborn bull’s butthole by Bucky when he was ten. He’s known the man for six decades and even in all those years, once Steve has reached this point there’s very little that can be done to change the course of things.

Which is why they were both standing in the middle of Ikea looking at a ridiculously big bed frame and Steve was frowning intensely at the thing’s name.

“Didn’t you have a bed frame at Stark’s? Why don’t you just take that one?” Sam asked.

Yeah, Sam was also here because the poor kid had been roped into this lunacy the day he decided jogging after some freakishly built blonde around the Lincoln memorial pool was good idea.

Steve’s left eye twitched and Bucky sighed and rubbed his temples as Steve snapped “I don’t want anything of _his._ ”

These days, _his_ name was not mentioned, well, at least not in front of Steve unless you wanted him to break something like he had the last fifteen times Clint decided to try it out.

That was Bucky’s favorite mug, _damn it_.

“Ikea sells mugs, right?”

Steve didn’t even look at him or his direction, he just pointed to Bucky’s right and shooed his away. Bucky narrowed his eyes at this dismissal but nonetheless clenched his jaw and walked away. Sam shot him apologetic puppy eyes but Bucky was having none of that shit.

_This is fine,_ he thought to himself as he stalked over to the cups section.

It had always been this way, this was nothing new, Stark always found a way to get under Steve’s skin and when Steve was pissed, the person who felt it besides Stark was Bucky, unfortunately. He couldn’t count how many times he had tried to get Steve’s mind off of Stark when things got too bad but Steve could never be swayed. Revenge was something that needed strategy, otherwise it was just sloppy and callous, Steve would tell him before pushing him off when sucking a hickey into his collarbone didn’t work; stupid Bucky, it had never worked before.

_This sucks,_ he thought to himself glumly as he grabbed a mug that looked nothing like his fave but would have to do.

“Hey there, Sailor,” a familiar voice called out behind some plates.

“Natalia,” Bucky greeted as he walked to her and gave her a peck on the cheek.

She let out a pleased noise and her eyes regarded him warmly.

“What are you doing here? You know Ikea is off limits and Stark isn’t usually one to go back on his word,” Bucky asked, briefly checking the place to make sure he didn’t see 5’9 gelled hair and ego anywhere near.

“Don’t worry, Stark doesn’t know I’m here. Nor does Clint and I want it to stay that way, he’s gotten too clingy lately and he needs to remember I don’t care about him as much as I do Pizza Dog,” she said sternly, pointing a finger at him.

Bucky took in what she said and responded with rolled eyes before asking “So then if not Stark, what are you doing here?”

“I’m here because this is dUMB and we need to end this war and those two idiots won’t do it unless we do something drastic,” she retorted curtly.

Bucky sighed because 1. she was absolutely right, a feat she would rub into his face like she did every time she was (which was almost every time) and 2. there was no way this war ended well.

What war, you ask? Let’s recap.

So Tony Stark was wealthy man, everyone knew that. What most didn’t know was that Tony was also just as generous as he was wealthy. He gave without thinking, something we should all really admire of Tony. So something he did out of the goodness of that arc reactor of his was furnish the rooms in the tower for all the Avengers to live there. Living with Tony...Well, no one could ever call Tony boring, that’s for sure; however, ** _Steve._**

The paparazzi got wind of it and were calling it Civil War, spinning it like Iron Man and Captain America had duked it out over politics or personal ethics; Bucky almost wished it was that.

“ _Poptarts_ , Bucky, _fucking poptarts_! I can buy like a twenty-five pack for 6 bucks! _This is ridiculous_!” Nat whispered, furiously.

“It wasn’t just pop tarts and you know it,” Bucky snorted, even though he completely agreed with Natasha’s assessment of the situation.

Mentally, of course.

As previously stated, he’s known Steve for six decades, give or take, so there’s no way he’s going to talk shit about whatever dumb move Steve is currently doing in his life. His words will haunt him, Steve will somehow find out, and Bucky refused to get that headache.

“Stark needed stitches,” Nat scoffed.

“Steve would’ve too if he didn’t have accelerated healing,” Bucky retorted.

“He broke a photo frame and burned pictures.”

“Liar, Steve hates cameras and only let’s either Sam or I take pictures. Clint only has his because he keeps scaring him by sleeping in weird places,” Bucky replied back, smugly.

Natasha narrowed her eyes at him and said _“Poptarts, James.”_

The pop tarts weren’t really the problem but rather the catalyst. You see, for a whole year, Stark and Steve started playing passive aggressive chicken that all the other Avengers collectedly and politely ignored. Always small things, of course, so that no one else had to deal with it. For example, a weird side effect the super serum gave Steve was that he was lactose intolerant, something he wasn’t before, but he still took milk in his coffee, which was something Stark also needed. Stark knew Steve was lactose intolerant and liked milk in his coffee, so instead of being a decent being and buying Lactaid or almond milk, he’d purposely buy a gallon of whole fat milk.

In retaliation, Steve liked to let the dishes pile up in the sink until he washed them all in one go at the end of the day. This drove Stark crazy because they had a dishwasher and also “What’s the point of already walking to the sink and leaving it dirty, just wash it while you’re there already, you’re contributing to bacteria growth!” to quote Stark. Steve knew this and would purposely use _wayyy_ more dishes than necessary for things.

Example:

 

“Steve, why do you have three cookies on three separate plates?” Bucky had asked once.

Steve had just smiled wickedly and said “Gotta contribute to the growth of bacteria and Tony’s insanity.”

And that was really a telling point for Bucky because wow, what an asshole.

Bucky was in love.

 

So Steve knew it drove Stark crazy and sometimes Stark would just break and wash all the dishes himself while he muttered nonsequential things to no one in particular.

On and on, things of a similar caliber would occur. Stark didn’t do laundry and would simply throw away his clothes when he was done wearing it, something that made Steve’s left eye twitch. Or Steve would whistle when he was doing things, like peeing. Stark apparently hated whistling and when Steve would start up, he would just straight up leave the room.

The tension between them was famous, famous enough that most magazines and people thought that it was sexual tension and thought that they should just fuck already; Bucky did not agree with them.

_Bucky didn’t agree with them at all_.

So this had been going on for a whole year, all this passive aggressive bullshit until finally, finally, Steve snapped. Tony had apparently eaten the last poptart even though it clearly had Steve’s name on it.

_All Hell broke loose._

Walls, tables, you name it were broken. It only ended because Bucky straight up picked Steve up and held him like an angry vibrating Labrador (and that only happened because Steve had let him). Steve started screaming out everything wrong Stark had ever done since the day he took his first breath and that he couldn’t respect anyone if his life depended on it. Stark yelled back that Steve better suck it up and I quote “ _My house, my rules, Capsicle.”_

__****  
  


 

...So Steve bought a house out in Brooklyn, one of those old brownstones.

****  
  


“ _Are you honestly going to lie to my face and tell me you think that this is a good idea?_ ” Nat asked, eyebrows raised and face conveying how completely unimpressed she was with this whole situation.

“It’s not... _Ideal_ ,” Bucky said with a brief pause as he chose his words carefully as Natasha sneered at the words, “But I told him I’m with him till the end of the line and if that means the end of the checkout line, then so be it. Besides, we both know what he gets like when I’m not there.”

“True, remember that time he jumped out of that plane without a parachute?”

**Crack.**

“You better hide that behind the other ugly mugs or they’ll make you pay for it, call me if you need anything,” Natasha said with a smirk before kissing him on the cheek and leaving.

He hid the broken mug behind the other mugs, hoping no one noticed. After grabbing a mug that wasn’t broken, Bucky set off to go find Steve.

He found Steve alone amongst the memory foam.

“Sam?” He asked casually.

“Went to get himself frozen yogurt,” Steve answered nonplussed as he laid down on the foam.

He wiggled a bit trying to get comfortable and when that didn’t work, he just scowled. Bucky just sighed and sat down on the mattress with Steve.

“Steve, what are we doing here?” Bucky asked, tired.

“Buying things for the house, **_Buck_** ,” Steve said stubbornly, not looking at him.

“Stevie,” Bucky warned.

Steve sighed before saying “Bucky, what do you want me to say?”

 

Bucky laid down on the foam, forcing Steve to look at him face to face.

“I want you to admit that this is a mistake. We moved out of there because you and Stark are always in a constant pissing match and you’re ruining everyone’s life because they feel like they gotta pick sides. Clint only moved in with us because you bullied him and Peter, jeez, you realize he panicked and has a room both at ours and at Stark’s?”

_“That little-”_

“ _Let it go, Steve; Let. It. Go._ You’re both being morons and you need to fix it,” Bucky finished, rolling his eyes.

Steve actually looked sheepish and said “Actually, um...Tony and I already made up.”

_“What.”_

“Look, Bucky, I was really embarrassed about how everything went down so I met up with Tony the other day and we patched things up. We agreed we handled things pretty childishly and it wasn't good for team morale,” Steve explained.

“B- _but-what-wHAT, wait, then why the hell are we still living in the house?!”_ Bucky sputtered.

“Oh Tony and I agreed that while we can stay friends, there’s no way in _Hell_ we’re going back to live with him. Besides, where else would we raise the kids?” Steve chuckled as he grabbed onto Bucky’s hand and twined their fingers together.

Bucky frowned at their hands and confused, said “ _Kids, what kids?_ Are you talking about the Maximoffs because I’m pretty sure they don’t need a babysitter...Okay, Pietro.”

Steve laughed, the twinkling sound making Bucky smile involuntarily.

“No, Jerk, _our_ kids.”

“ _Our_ kids-who said I like kids?” Bucky asked, raised eyebrows as he sat up to look down at Steve.

Steve snorted and said “ _Oh please, James Buchanan Barnes, I have your number:_ every time you see a baby, your face lights up. Also Thor’s twins adore you, don’t play.”

 

“Okay, that may be so but who says I want them?”

Steve rolled his eyes as he sat up and said “You want three kids because you had three siblings and the house is big enough for all of us and if anything, we can get bunk beds.”

“Oh and you think I want your brats?”

Steve smirked at him and said “ _Please,_ ” like he had bested him at every turn and he almost had, really, but then it dawned on Bucky-

“And you’re not gonna make an honest man outta me?”

_“Didn’t I just?_ ” Steve chuckled arrogantly as he slid a hand onto Bucky’s thigh and _Oh My God-_

“ ** _Steven Grant Rogers, are you seriously suggesting that buying a house and talking about kids in an Ikea counts as a proposal?”_** Bucky hissed through clenched teeth.

“Is- _is it not-did you want a rin-”_ was all Steve got out.

**_“Sir! Sir! The display pillows are not meant to be used in such a manner- Oh My, he’s beating up Captain America! Phil, we’ve got a situation in section six!”_** An Ikea employee screamed over the P.A system.

“Should-should we do something about that?” Sam asked Clint as Clint took a nasty bite out of his pizza.

"They’re big boys, I’m sure they can handle themselves,” Natasha said, appearing out of nowhere.

_“NATASHA!”_ Clint screeched around a mouth full of pizza as he ran towards her.

Sam grimaced but Natasha just smiled at the both of them serenely.

****  
  


The Barnes-Rogers were married by the dumpster on fifth in Brooklyn where they had first met and to quote Bucky Barnes, man of the hour, “You’re trash so you deserve a trash wedding.” The rings were made out of adamantium because they’re both sentimental saps and they did end up with three kids named Sarah, Peggy, and Rebecca and bunk beds were encouraged.

 

**  
Fin.**


End file.
